Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Bad Blogger

Hello.

I owe you an apology. I just disappeared, with no warning or goodbye. I haven't responded to your emails. I left important milestones - Ky's birthday (April 13), my graduation (I have a Masters now, albeit in fiction) and the selection of the first black man as the Democratic nominee (!) - unaddressed. How rude.

And I don't even have a good excuse. I got busy with school and teaching, I began using my free time to write fiction again, I had family in and out of town, but most of all I was avoiding. I think avoidance might've been a new step for me in this whole grief thing. As time has went on, Kyle's death actually became harder, not easier, to think about. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to blog about it. I didn't want to read my mother's blog about it. My mom sent me two beautifully framed pictures of Ky, and they sat wrapped in plastic on my couch for weeks before I even looked at them. The whole thing was just too much to deal with on a daily basis if I also wanted to get my papers graded or my manuscript ready for class. So I didn't.

But recently, I forced myself to hang up one of Ky's pictures. I almost took it right down - I could barely look at it for the first week without tearing up - but it seemed right to leave it there. And today, I forced myself to login to Blogger for the first time in months. So maybe I'm past avoidance. Maybe I'm on to something new.

9 comments:

cynthia said...

i've been told by friends and family members that they still check your blog regularly, hoping you'll blog again. you've made a lot of folks happy today. welcome back.

Anonymous said...

so glad you're back, and what a coincidence that i decided to check your blog for the first time in a long while today. thinking of both you and your momma often as the anniversary approaches. i love you.
-devon

Anonymous said...

I love you lots.
Sallie

Wanda said...

Glad to read your amazing voice once again. I check often and have missed you' For those of us who read you regularly, you had given us a warning that you were going to devote more time to non-blog writing.
You started the blog cuz you needed to do it. YOu didn't write for awhile cuz you needed not to. Please know that grief is personal. Whatever you need to do (or NOT) is ok. You and your mom have been through the worst kind of pain, and the two of you are absolutely remarkable and incredibly resilient. please take good care.
And by the way, CONGRATS on the MASTERS! Boy, would Nana Whitham be proud of you.

robin said...

So glad to see you back!

Shay said...

I can't tell you how happy I was to see your post - I still check at least once a week. I, too, have been avoiding. Please know you are loved (even by this stranger) and you give me hope. Take good care - so happy to see you. In your way, at your pace, with your strength and your peace -

I hold you in the light -

Best,
Shay

Robin Robinson said...

Miranda, Panda. Congratulations on your degree! You and Cyn are two amazing women. I have been to Ky's grave and saw a gorgeous deer one evening, who just stared at me, unafraid. I didn't see the coyote that Cyn told me frequents the area. I've watered the rosemary bush and thought of adding a little plant, maybe. Suz went with me the week following his birthday, laid down on his grave for a while. Jack hasn't gone yet, but he will at some point. It's still unbelievable to think Kyle is in a different place from us now. Could be a very good place.

robbie said...

i have been waiting for you to blog again. congratulations on masters. looking forward to seeing you in august.

didi979 said...

Mir:

I too have checked here a number of times and was happy to hear from you again; although I completely understand that it is probably good for you to focus elsewhere.

I hope you are ok today. I've been thinking about Kyle and your family a lot over the past 36 hours and praying that you all can find some peace during this anniversary of his passing.

I just want you to know how fond I am of you and how much I love both you and Kyle. You are a wonderful writer and a sweet, deep, vibrant and fun young woman.

All my love,
Aunt Di