Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Nitty Gritty

Hi there.

If you're reading this, you likely know me. Or you knew my brother. And now, because he is dead, I'm the only place to go to get this particular genetic blend. Sucks for you, but provides me with a captive audience.

My brother died on July 5, 2007. He fell from a train, hit his head, and was killed instantly. Well, sort of. His brain was killed instantly but his body remained alive, allowing time for my mom, my dad, and my dad's wife to drive up to the Palo Alto hospital from Los Angeles together in the middle of the night (a laughable image, if you can stop crying long enough to find the humor in my father being stuck in a sedan for six hours with his past and present Mrs.) and for me to fly in from New York so we could gather around his still-warm body and stare at the bandage on his head and not know what the fuck to do. He was 22.

Machines kept him alive. His fingers twitched sometimes. One eye was covered by gauze and the other was open, watery, the lashes clumped by some sort of unfamiliar mucusy-stuff that reminded me of just how mysterious our bodies are.

He couldn't hear us, but we spoke to him. My mother washed his feet with Koranic care. A nurse found a 2001 New York quarter stuck to his body and gave it to me. People came from all over the country to cry over him. I kissed his cheek - something I hadn't done in 5? 10? 15? years - and wished I'd kissed him more when he was alive.

His organs were removed for donation, and then we buried him.

Since Ky's death, people keep giving me this look, this oh-my-god-are-you-about-to-cry-in-front-of-me look, which makes me want to reassure everyone that I'm ok, even if I'm not. So I've started a blog where you can all come to see what's going on with me, and you can feel reassured that I'm not a complete blubbery mess all of the time, and I'll post things about Ky but also not about Ky, because Jesus, there's only so much utter misery one can take.


Sallie Whitham said...

Miranda, I love you so much.
You have such a talent girl - a gift with words - I am honored to be your Aunt.
Please keep this up your writing puts a big smile on my face

whimspot said...

I found your site by doing a search for Kevin Kelly of publicradiofan.(I left a comment)
I went back to find the beginning of your blog.
I am sorry about your brother and will keep reading your weblog now. I know about bedsides and death. But he was so young.
I hope you will visit mine at whimspot.blogspot.com if only to leave a message that you were there.
I am not selling anything.I just think it's nice to connect with people that we haven't met yet.It's kind of weird that there are so many people in the world that we can connect with over the internet.
Again, i realize that you started your blog to grieve and remember and I would like to share my sympathy for you and your family and remember your brother through your witness.

Take Care,

there are millions of people

Crystal said...

I don't know if you read the old shit, but here I am. My brother died in his sleep on September 3rd. He was 39. I don't know what to do with all this shit inside me. I don't believe "life goes on". We're fucking broken. Our family is broken.

And you're stuck with me because when you google, "my brother is dead", you're the first thing that comes up. I don't know how you feel about such a morbid honor, but I'm here for the duration because we are members in a shitty, shitty club.

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Dave said...

Well, add another name in this club of deceased brothers. My brother died from a train, on October 29, 2010. He was attempting to move a gate off of the track when an Amtrak got him from the back.
I'm curious, does anyone else have that feeling of wanting to tell people to shut up when they complain about the most trivial of problems. Or want to scream if you hear, "I know how you feel, I lost my Grandmother two years ago." How is that the same?
I don't know you, but I suppose your name is Miranda judging from the comments. Sorry I have nothing really compassionate or uplifting to say, but the loss of a sibling is truly one of the worst feelings there is. I'm a bad counselor.
Although, your not stuck with me, since I tend to go at things alone, thanks for writing, it's nice to know we are not alone. For that, I am thankful.
And fuck all the spam on this page, are they that heartless?