Things have not been going well. Don't worry, I'm ok, it's just that this shit is proving harder than expected. I was warned. People and pamphlets have told me that grief is this really mysterious thing that manifests itself differently in everyone, that I'll feel fine and then awful and then fine and then awful again, that I may think I'm going crazy.
Still, I didn't expect this.
I get hysterical. Think of a baby, the brattiest little baby you know at her very worst. Her face and fists at their tightest, reddest, snottiest. I have panic attacks, the likes of which I haven't seen since my Gail Sheehy days. I still haven't unpacked my suitcase. The fiction I'm digging myself into debt for seems ridiculous. I'm having trouble convincing myself to shower regularly. I can't do anything.
Except blog. I love blogging. I love talking to you. Who knew? Never in my life have I cared one way or the other about blogs, and now I can't get enough. Every thought I have seems bloggable. I finish one and immediately start the next. Right now I have six draft blogs waiting to be polished and posted. Does that seem crazy? It feels a little crazy.
But the other thing the people and the pamphlets said is do what helps. Life feels at the same time insultingly short and impossibly, overwhelmingly long. I miss my brother. But writing this really helps. Knowing you're reading this really helps.
Thank you.
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Friday, August 24, 2007
In Case Of Emergency, Break Glass
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4 comments:
Mir, I find It is helping me to read your blogs. I can't wait to get on your moms lap top and see what else you have written. I have been so sad since you left - your blogs helps. I know it is also giving great comfort to your mom. We miss you and since you are such a quiet member of this crazy family (who never lets you get in a word anyway) it is so nice to hear from you in a way that you are feeling so comfortable and free.
Hugs and kisses
Not crazy, babygirl....it is the stuff of living and dying - washing through your soul - toward a world where you are loved and wanted and needed....not crazy at all.
I don't think it's crazy at all. What is the point of writing if you can't really connect to it right now, in the moment? I know we were talking about this the other night at Fuego, but when you're on an MFA track, it's so easy to feel that no writing other than fiction is legit, and that all other forms of writing are an exercise in frivolity and self-indulgence. If blogging is your current creative calling, by all means, answer it. You're doing an amazing job with this blog, Miranda. I so love reading it.
I feel like I'm peeking at your past. Do you come back and re-read?
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