Ted Danson, Kerri Russell, and Bill O'Reilly

Well, I'm back in New York. The flight was alright. I've figured out that complete exhaustion or two bloody marys make turbulence lightyears more manageable. And that was even without watching the inflight programming. I was flying American, and they force everyone to watch the same thing on the same fuzzy screen (get with the program, American. It's all about individual seatback TVs these days). On my flight, it was The Waitress and then multiple episodes of Wings. Which seemed weird to me. Wasn't Wings canceled like fifteen years ago? Is it really that hard to buy a program that aired in the last decade, that your viewers might have some relationship with, that doesn't so blatantly say We don't give two fucks about you? And then, twenty minutes before we landed, Cheers came on. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? This whole time you had Cheers back there in your condescending hands and you've been whipping us with Wings? I won't even get started on The Waitress, since I know a number of romantic comedy fans who are likely reading this right now. But let me just say, Like Water for Chocolate and Chocolat took care of the whole pornographic cooking closeups really well. I think, as a society, we're good. We don't need Kerri Russell and some dude mashing blackberries and breathing heavily. And for God's sake, is stirring chocolate really that sexy?

One last question, and then I have to take care of at least some of the gazillion things I've been avoiding for weeks.

What's up with all the seatbelt totalitarianism airlines are kicking these days? It's like a game the pilot plays - how many people can we get in line for the bathroom before we hit our stupid ding button and make everyone go back to their seats? The thing I don't understand is why. When our plane crashes to the earth in a jetfuel blueball of fiery hell, what are those belts supposed to do for us exactly? Keep us secure in our burning seats? Keep us from bruising our delicate selves as the plane hurtles back to the very ground it never should have been so cocky about leaving in the first place? Keep our charred bodies orderly while rescue crews dig through the wreckage with Fox News salivating at their backs? Are plane seatbelts really a lifesaving measure, or just another way to keep us strapped down and begging for life's necessities - air, water, space, a toilet - like a bunch of overpaying toddler/suckers?

Guess which side I've come down on, America.