GTD

They keep coming. Here's one from 619***6903:

Kaiya's tests came back normal!!! Thanks for the prayers! Love you all!

Prayer

I haven't checked my blogger email in nearly a year, but this morning I read an article about Leonard Cohen's new tour. Some of you may remember that I had a brief Cohen encounter back in October of 07, and so I logged into my email to read what he'd said again and get that small thrill that comes from seeing a celebrity's name in your inbox.

Scrolling through my unread email, most of which was junk, I noticed a few notes from strangers who had stumbled on my blog, all of whom were incredibly supportive (even if they all didn't necessarily agree with my strong opinions on Charles Baxter). Shay, Josephine, Kathryn, Ryan, Elle, Matt, and Bill - thank you for reading and taking the time to write. It's incredibly moving to know that in some small way we are connected.

I also received emails from four women who lost their brothers, too. Sarah, Lisa, Kelly, Julia. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your emails reminded me that even as my raw wound knots into a scar, that there are people living through their own July 5ths everyday. There are people, right now, in tremendous pain. I am thinking about you.

Lastly, I'd like to catch you up on one of the most suprising changes I've noticed in myself over the past year and a half. I have, somehow, become a spiritual person. This may seem unremarkable to most, but I have been a staunch athiest for most of my 27 years - the kind who gesuhdneit's instead of blesses you when you sneeze. It's only since Kyle's death that I've felt an increasingly strengthening need to pray. Not to God, whom I still can't convince myself of, but to something. To connectedness. To internal peace. To compassion. I haven't really figured this out yet. I am a spiritual baby. I've haven't gotten much farther than Sanskrit chanting in yoga class and a growing obsession with Krista Tippett. But I understand now that there are broken parts of me that will not be fixed by new boots or a new job or even a new family. Just give me the blood, Eli. I need help in this life.