Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I haven't checked my blogger email in nearly a year, but this morning I read an article about Leonard Cohen's new tour. Some of you may remember that I had a brief Cohen encounter back in October of 07, and so I logged into my email to read what he'd said again and get that small thrill that comes from seeing a celebrity's name in your inbox.

Scrolling through my unread email, most of which was junk, I noticed a few notes from strangers who had stumbled on my blog, all of whom were incredibly supportive (even if they all didn't necessarily agree with my strong opinions on Charles Baxter). Shay, Josephine, Kathryn, Ryan, Elle, Matt, and Bill - thank you for reading and taking the time to write. It's incredibly moving to know that in some small way we are connected.

I also received emails from four women who lost their brothers, too. Sarah, Lisa, Kelly, Julia. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your emails reminded me that even as my raw wound knots into a scar, that there are people living through their own July 5ths everyday. There are people, right now, in tremendous pain. I am thinking about you.

Lastly, I'd like to catch you up on one of the most suprising changes I've noticed in myself over the past year and a half. I have, somehow, become a spiritual person. This may seem unremarkable to most, but I have been a staunch athiest for most of my 27 years - the kind who gesuhdneit's instead of blesses you when you sneeze. It's only since Kyle's death that I've felt an increasingly strengthening need to pray. Not to God, whom I still can't convince myself of, but to something. To connectedness. To internal peace. To compassion. I haven't really figured this out yet. I am a spiritual baby. I've haven't gotten much farther than Sanskrit chanting in yoga class and a growing obsession with Krista Tippett. But I understand now that there are broken parts of me that will not be fixed by new boots or a new job or even a new family. Just give me the blood, Eli. I need help in this life.


Anonymous said...

Spiritual babies come in all ages, are found in all locales, and can speak in languages that transcend the ancient barriers worshiped by the religiously mature. Some spiritual babies have even been to seminary..

Spiritual babies have questions and know they will always have more questions and even learn that questioning the occasional answer is the only correct response. We are riding a dust mote within a universe that is almost certainly part of an eternal explosion of similar, and also spectacularly different, other universes: how dare we say we KNOW, and how dare we say that the pens and pencils, and telescopes, and paint brushes, and paper, and books are to no avail because we already have the answers we need.

My only advice to anyone whose eyes are open is this: Every ONE, every THING really is connected- the physical connections are profound and it is that profundity in which our spirituality is given rise. In that profound connectivity we can see God- see, touch, experience, hear, taste whatever*it*is- everywhere, all the time.

For me, that IS the blood..

cynthia said...

i love krista tippett too. very compelling and thoughtful explorations each week.

Lucy said...

I am where you atheist looking for something. Find myself praying to what...I don't know. But needing something to get me through a pending divorce, an intentional overdose, and being just plain broken. Oh and did I forget to mention two dead brothers! Something spiritual sounds pretty good about now.

Ellie said...

I just want to say thank you. I found your blog a few hours ago, and I somehow found myself reading almost the entire thing.
My 22 year old brother Sam died earlier this year, and most days I have no idea how I can possibly keep going. But 2 years on, you are still here, and that gives me hope. Thank you.