Troll 2

Last night, Sunshine Cinemas on Houston had a special showing of Troll 2, complete with t-shirts and a cast member Q&A.

It was fantastic.

Troll 2, for those of you who don't know, is not the sequel to the better-known Troll 1, but a film originally entitled Goblin and made by an Italian couple with a questionable grasp of dialogue, plot, character, make up, set design, special effects, casting, mask making, and the English language. The director, Claudio Fragasso, chose his actors in a smoke-filled Utah motel room based solely on their "energy," and the film features two of the worst acting performances I've ever seen and wardrobe by Emmanuel, the porn star.

So why bother watching Troll 2? It's hard to say. J and I saw it by accident for the first time on TV. It wasn't just bad, it was fascinating. We watched it like a train wreck. Who writes dialogue like that? And with such little shame? Who would have such disregard for special effects? Or the basic laws of time and space?

Unfortunately, no synopsis can adequately convey what it's like to watch Troll 2. It's just the sort of thing you have to see to understand why 350 people would show up for a midnight showing of a 1990 film that never made it to theaters. But you should rent it. Really. Trust me on this. And, in case you need further encouragement, I have some pictures.

Here's everybody filing into the theater. Look how excited we all are:
The screen went dark, a heavy drum beat started, and then little people clothed in masks and burlap began running through the forest. The movie title flashed across the screen and you should've heard the cheer:
Here's Michael Stephenson. He plays Joshua and goes with his family on vacation to Nilbog, a suspicious rural town filled with vegetarians (as we learned during the Q&A, Fragasso absolutely despises vegetarians). Joshua keeps this expression on his face the entire movie:
Here's Joshua's sister, Holly. She's a horrible dancer and wears oversized Garfield t-shirts. The actress who plays her, Connie Young, is battling to the death for the title of Worst Community Theater Actress Ever and, according to George Hardy, is a "little bitch":
This is Deborad Reed. She plays the crazy vegetarian witch Creedence Leonore Gielgud and is neck and neck with Connie for Worst Community Theater Actress Ever:
And this, of course, is a goblin...troll...goblin. Fragasso only had seven goblin masks made, so they're repeated over and over throughout the movie:
Here's where Joshua realizes that Nilbog is "goblin" spelled backwards. It's a huge revelation in the film. Joshua, needless to say, flips his shit:
This is George Hardy. He plays Joshua's dad, but in real life is the happiest dentist I've ever seen and owns a pair of what he calls "virtual reality glasses":
And here's the other cast members who came to the Q&A. Joshua, second from right, actually grew up into a normal looking human being:
So go rent Troll 2. Because you can't piss on hospitality. And look out for The Best Worst Movie Ever, a documentary about the whole horrid process coming out in 2008.