I grieve in hiccups. I'm fine most days. I don't think about Kyle. Or, I think about him, but when I do I let him go right through me. I have things to do. I'm at work or on the street or trying to focus on a movie and following Ky whenever he appears is not conducive to getting through the day. So I let him go and I'm fine.
But then, every couple of weeks, I hiccup. Suddenly I'm sobbing and there Kyle is, sitting on top of my chest, his arms full of everything I worry about, his pockets stuffed with my CV, my bank account, my goddamn bathroom scale. I can't breathe and I can't move and I think, Oh good. I'm a normal human being. My brother died, and I'm crying, and this is what grieving is.
Because not crying for two weeks worries me. I worry about what that says about the calibration of my heart - a dead brother and two weeks of dry eyes. I worry that I'm getting over it too fast. That I'm cold and hard and somehow lacking something I should have been born with. But then I hiccup and start to cry and feel in the tightening of my chest a deep relief. That I'm socially appropriate. That I really did love my brother. That if I get nothing else right, I'll mourn thoroughly and honestly and know that I'm the sort of person who can.
GTD from 718***8048:
hey do me a favor dont charge kathy from city for the weekends thanks
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Grief Hiccups
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3 comments:
...sweet Mir....the calibration of your heart is by your own design....perfect and lovely and and pure...Kyle is with you, in you, around you...he'll never let you forget that...and neither will you....grief ebbs and flows...cycles 'round with the days, weeks, months, and seasons....yours belongs to you...it cannot be measured by another's....like your heart...it is thorough and true....
Oh Mir,
You sure have an eloquent way of describing grief. Your honesty and ability to put raw emotions into words is remarkable.
Grief is like hiccups. They may not flair up for awhile but are always there just under the surface. (try drinking a coke real fast)
One of the things I most remember about being pregnant, was Rhea having the hiccups. I did not know what that fluttering was but when I finally was told it was hiccups it made perfect sense.
So if hiccups start in the womb I don't think you have to worry about them going anywhere.
Please keep describing your grieving process. While this is helping you, and us, I think it also could end up being something you can use someday to help others.
there is no job description for a grieving sister: no fidelity check list, no measuring stick, no thermometer, no report car, no right nor wrong.
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